10月 06, 2011

嬌小女孩, 巨大冒險


I want to feel alive. I want to be inspired.  I miss dreaming. I miss having goals. I want to know if landscapes collapse, will I still be wanted? I don't mind being heartbroken if it means I can still create. I actually embrace change. I simply just don't want to lose my identity in the process. I want to be able to wake in the morning with a clean slate. Without regret, insecurities, and cynicism. I refuse to let the past consume me. I'm honestly thinking about taking chances in my life for once. I know, all this thinking, how often do these thoughts go stale? My brain turns to mush.

It wasn't all that long ago when my husband showed me his childhood, culture, lifestyle in Taiwan. I miss the clean, reliable public transportation, the convenience of eating at the street vendors, the pleasure of shopping at the night markets, and having a time out at the temples. Most of all, I miss experiencing all of this with my husband. My future is uncertain and I am fine with that. I may start a new chapter in Taiwan sooner or later than I thought. I know when I do eventually move to Taiwan, I will have to start from scratch. I know there will be times when I will feel so out of place and question if I have made the right decision. I can only open my mind and do my absolute best; the rest will soon follow. Traveling to another country really does open your eyes to new possibilities. 如何在台灣生存? 我是外國人, 在台灣除了當英文老師外, 我能做其他的職業嗎? 有一件事是我可以確定的, 我野心很大, 所以我不會當英文老師.  Questions juggling in my head and it's okay. I mean, I still have a lot of time to ponder before my next journey begins.

I may actually move to an unexpected destination that is not Taiwan. I may not. Whatever will be, will be. I grew up going with the flow. I hold onto nothing. I don't mind falling on my face if it means I can get up from the floor with a lesson learned. I refuse to remain a person I once was and I hope I will be brave enough to say goodbye to the person I am today when the time comes. There are a few lessons I've learned over the years.
  • You must love yourself in order to love somebody else. I've learned this the hard way. I've pushed people away 'cause I felt I didn't deserve to smile. I guess you can say I didn't want to cut myself some slack in fear I'll sound...arrogant? There's a fine line of self confidence and bullshitting. I don't want to be in the spotlight. I don't need validation or recognition. Still, I smile even when there are thunderstorms in my head. Smiling is contagious. I love myself enough not to drink the poison but I also refuse to act like "the cure."
  • Who you hang out with does effect you. It's like a mirror effect. If you hang out with positive people, you will become more positive yourself. I'm fortunate to be with a man who encourages me rather than to belittle me; we're each other muses. When my husband succeeds, I will succeed. When I succeed, my husband succeeds. I need those kind of relationships in my life.
  • Age is merely just a number. I need to remind myself that constantly. It's never too late. Well okay, it's a tad late for me to become a ballerina. Ahem. That's okay, though. I create new goals. I will learn how to tango for fun.
I may sing off key but I at least carry my own tune. Regardless what road I choose (or maybe it chooses me, who knows), I am going be just fine.